Today.

I find that a lot of times I come here to sort out my fragmented thoughts.  This is one of those times.

And I hate writing in chronological order (sorry, but that makes way too much sense) but I'm afraid that's the way this is all going to come out.  But don't hold me to that.

Exactly 12 hours ago, I sat across the table from a judge who asked me to very candidly speak with her about my past and to explain to her the mistakes I had made and further explain why I believed I should be granted an appeal for fingerprint clearance.  It was only forty minutes.  But it was intense.  And to my surprise-- it was emotional.  I've come to realize that no matter the number of years that have passed since that time in my life, the dredging up of the past is still most painful.  The deliberate picking at scars that have long since taken the place of wounds that were once fresh-- it seems to pierce right through to my heart.  And I feel the ugliness, the mortification, the distress all over again.

But as she listened, it was evident that she was drawn in.  That she perhaps was hearing something  a little different than she usually does.

And after I had spoken, and my three character witnesses had shared, we sat in silence waiting to hear if the judge had any response to the 4 hearts that had been poured out before her.

And finally she sat back, she looked directly at me and stated that in all of her years both as a human being and as one practicing law, she had never heard a story quite like this one.  It was clear that an impact had been made on her and that although she wasn't able to say what her recommendation to the board would be, all present felt that perhaps she had been convinced to recommend a second chance.

And I was reminded yet again that none of this has anything to do with me at all.  God clearly has a plan in allowing this giant legal hurdle-- if not simply to allow one more person to bear witness to a God that can redeem even the most broken of people and of situations.

  And as I think back now to the ball of tissue that I grasped in my hand and the intent gaze of the judge as she listened to my words, I wonder if the painful experience of recounting it all wasn't a bit of a blessing for me too.  God has done so much.  And He has brought me so far.  And He has redeemed my life up one side and down the other.  And given it all back ten fold.  Pressed down.  Shaken together.  And running over.

But oh.

How quickly I forget.

How quickly I forget the despair that was the deep dark pit.  How quickly I forget the darkness.  The hopelessness.  The lack of desire to even see another day.

And how quickly I forget.  The One who rescued me from it all. Who put me back together piece by piece.  Turned the ugly into good.  Restored what had been smashed beyond recognition.  Put a new song in my heart.  And gave me life again.

But today.  Today I remembered.  And I am redeemed.  And I am grateful.



I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.  Joel 2:25

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!  Psalm 30:12