It's getting real

So the time has come for a new update. As I'm sure, all of you that are following this blog and picking up on details know, tomorrow (today for many of you checking Facebook in the morning,) is the due date. 12/11. It's here. 

This week has been an exciting one, filled with automotive issues, and various other scares. Let me give you my rundown for the yesterday, just so you can be on track with how crazy our days are becoming. Let me preface this by reminding everyone of our car situation. About 14 months ago, I totaled my wife's car. What I mean to say is an irresponsible young woman on her phone ran a red light and t-boned my wife's car while I was driving it. In retaliation, I bought a 1995 4Runner, in a hideous gold color, which I have been driving since.

Essentially, I drive a 19 year old truck with cold A/C and a sweet cassette deck because the radio works, and I don't like making payments on cars. Now I say the radio works, because the half- extended, chromed, automatic antenna may lead you to believe that it might not. What decided not to work this week, was the brakes. For those of you new to marriage, never preface a mid morning phone call to the wife with "my brakes went out." So Tuesday morning became a mad game of phone tag trying to organize a ride to work, which I was able to get. 

Then we got a call from our birth mom. She was leaving her checkup, and headed to the hospital with a possible diagnosis of preeclampsia. For those of you who don't know what that is, it basically means it's time to induce because the baby is causing health problems for the momma. 

We were at defcon 2. I say that, because The Big Bang Theory has taught me that the lower the number, the higher the alert status. 

We found out later, that our momma was actually just very dehydrated, which presents the same way. So we were finally able to relax a few hours later. Following all of this, a promotion at work fell through for me, and work for Becky has ramped up significantly in the last week. We ended the night exhausted, as I got dropped off, and basically fell out of the shower and into bed. 

Today, we shared a car, I fixed my affectionately named "Beast" truck, took the dog to the vet, and spent half the day on the phone with insurance companies, lawyers, and whoever else felt like putting me on hold.  Thank goodness for unlimited minute plans these days. 

So here's where we're at, at the end of a couple rough days (prayer requests):

Birth momma is still waiting to hear if she'll have insurance coverage for the delivery. This is a big deal, because if it doesn't go through, we will be financially responsible for it. 

The doctor is talking about inducing as early as Friday, depending on how the checkup that day goes. 

We are praying for the health of the momma, and baby, as we approach (in a few hours) the due date and the days following. 

We are also coming into the part of the process in which we have some large fees coming up. Please pray that this would go smoothly, and that all our bases would be covered. 

The legal process is slow, and we have gotten news of a bit of a setback this week. We were prepared for this news, but nonetheless, it's a bit nerve racking. 

I want to finish this off with a moment of gratitude. We want to thank everyone that has surprised us with donations, gifts, and thoughtful words this week. We appreciate everyone's part in this. Your encouragement is invaluable, your gifts are amazingly thoughtful, and your donations are going straight to covering the expenses for taking care of this yet unnamed baby girl, and making sure that she goes to a loving home. We pray that it's ours. We know it will be the right one for her. 

- Jesse

And because everyone loves pictures, here's one of Ellie helping me work on the 4Runner. 

Puzzle!!

Okay!  As a follow up to our Thanksgiving post (http://brimhallfamilyjourney.blogspot.com/2014/11/thanksgiving.html) where we announced our first fundraising project, we want to give an update on the progress of the puzzle! 

Today we spent some time writing the names of folks who purchased pieces and thanking God for the kindness and generosity of so many. 

The Call Family

The Fine Family

The Hester Family

The Tarbutton Family

Shey Parise

The Hoyt Family

Grandma Brimhall

The Frerichs Family

Grandma and Grandpa Kelley

Josh, Karen, Jake, Eisley, Jones, Lily, Grace, James, Ember, and Baby Harrison

The Bette Family

The Aaron Kelley Family

You are all an integral piece of this child's story and we can't wait to tell her one day of the people who loved her and were a part of bringing her home. 

We are overwhelmed by your generosity and the selflessness, and thankful to see the progress made on our puzzle project in just one week! Thank you! 

Saturday

"Why are you crying?"

Sniff sniff

"Are you sad?  Are you sad these things aren't for you?"

Sniff sniff

"Are you okay?  Why are you crying?  Do you just like crying?"

sniff sniff

I'm crying because this is one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had.  I'm crying because I wish there was another way.  I'm crying because I'm scared.  I'm crying because I know that none of these things will make her cry less.  I'm crying because another woman wants to give me her child.  I'm crying because I can't have a child of my own.  I'm crying because I will miss her once everything changes.  I'm crying because I'm terrified none of this will actually happen.  I'm crying because I'm terrified all of this will actually happen.  I'm crying because I need to tell her what I really think of her and my words are failing me.  I'm crying because I wish things were different.  I'm crying because.  I'm crying.  I don't know why I'm crying. 

Sometimes there are moments.  Moments in life that don't seem real.  Moments that you know will never happen again.  Moments that are extraordinary.  That you know few people get to experience.  That you never ever want to forget.  Moments where there are no words to capture the sacredness of what is happening.  To really reflect on the magnitude of what is taking place.  And that you are somehow a part of it all?  To say that it's overwhelming doesn't even scratch the surface.

I've been having a large number of those moments lately.  They've happened in my home, at work, while driving, and even at Walmart. That's right.  Stinky, chaotic, crazy crowded Walmart.

One of them happened on a Saturday morning about 8 weeks ago.  When my phone rang and someone told me that there was a young woman looking to place her baby with a family.  In 8 short weeks.

Another happened about two weeks after that. When I sat in a Starbucks in Prescott across the table from a young sweet woman who told me that she was seriously considering giving me her baby.  Giving me her child.

Then there was the night that I went to take the trash out and stumbled over a small pink bag on my doorstep-- and when I brought it inside to open it, an anonymous 1000 cashier's check fell out with a simple tagline that read:  For baby.

And what about that phone conversation about a week and a half ago.  When that same sweet young mother told me over the phone that she wants me to be the first one to hold her daughter.  That she wants me and my husband to have her first moments on earth in the nursery with her together, alone.
And the moment this morning when I read the letter she wrote to her daughter, with tears streaming down my face.  Entrusted to me to give to her when she was old enough to understand why her mom made the choices she did.

And then again today when we drove from the Walmart parking lot, and my husband couldn't understand why I was crying.  When my emotions got the better of me when I considered that the hour we had just spent compiling a hospital care package for this young woman was an experience that both simultaneously broke and blessed my heart.

I don't know about you, but these are all first for me.  I've never had someone offer to give me their own flesh and blood.

Imagine that for just one second.  Imagine someone saying that to you.  Offering to give that to you.

.......................What do you say to that?  

These are not normal, every day occurrences for me.  I pretty much feel like I'm watching all of this happen to someone else.  And in those moments.  When our sweet momma says those things to me.  Or asks me if I will give her daughter a letter for her one day.  It's like that moment where no one else is around, and something profound has just happened, and you look around and say..."did anyone else just hear that that????"

No one escapes from this unscathed.  Adoption.  It either guts the man and woman willing to choose another role in their biological child's life other than parenting, or guts the man and woman who open themselves up to hope with the very real possibility that they could be let down.

Someone ends up with a broken heart.

And in the moment where I was staring at the pile of warm fuzzy socks, lip balm, pj pants, lotion, books, and magazines-- I realized that it could be her.  And you know what?  That broke my heart.  Because I've grown to love her.  I've grown to love her and to admire her.  Deeply.  I don't know that I could ever make the sacrifice that she is planning to make.  She inspires me.  Challenges me.  Encourages me.  

Today has been a weird day.  And that's probably part of why none of this makes sense or leads from one coherent thought to another.  I found myself aimlessly driving around this evening and as I talked to my husband while he was on break at work, I told him that I felt a little lost today, but I couldn't figure out why.  He pointed out that it's probably because we are in limbo.

Limbo.

an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.- according to websters.com


Limbo.  Limbo of whether or not I should commit to sitting in a movie theater for two hours.  Limbo of whether or not it's okay to leave my phone upstairs for a little while while I'm in the living room. Limbo of whether I should buy another baby item because I already feel like I have too many to ignore if I find myself upon another season of grief tomorrow.  Limbo of how to plan for today.  Or tomorrow.  or for Christmas.  Limbo of whether or not I'm going to suddenly become a parent.  Like right now.  
I read an article this week that explained it all far better than I could.  It was the one thing that everything came down to for us.  A few weeks ago, we were at the point where we had to make a decision.  Offer to move forward, knowing the outcome was highly uncertain.  Or take a step back, grieve a little at an opportunity that was probably too good to be true, and wait to see what might come our way next.  And let me tell you something.  My husband was very close.  Extremely close.  Almost 100% decided that we should not move forward with this baby.  The one thing that he couldn't get past.  It wasn't the money.  It wasn't the idea of having a child that wasn't biologically ours.  It wasn't that it was so fast.  It was that we might bring her home, and then have to give her up due to legal circumstances beyond our control.  And he looked me in the eye and he told me that he didn't think he could subject my heart to one.  more.  loss.  And I will never forget the look in his eye when I told him that I was terrified of that very thing.  But that if that happened.  And it meant that our time with her had only been measured in days.  That every moment.  Every kiss.  Every prayer.  Every lullaby.  It would hurt to lose all of that.  It would hurt deeply.  But that if I found myself, arms empty once again, I could just not see regretting the moments that had been spent with her.  The love that had been given to her.  I could not.  see.  regretting that.  

And so we jumped. 

And we came to the same place that the author of this article, a foster dad, came to: "(we) were committed to experiencing the pain of loving a child (we) might lose if it meant a child who has lost so much could experience the gain of (our) love."

And he puts it best when he explains exactly how we feel, "As my wife and I began the foster care process with a three day old baby girl we had to make the same decision for ourselves - that we would rather experience the pain of a very great loss if it meant this little girl placed in our home could experience the gain of a very great love - no matter how long she stayed with us. We would embrace the heartache of having to let her go if it meant she knew, if even for a short time, what it meant to truly be held onto. We can't let the fear of loving a child who might leave deter us; we must let the fear of a child never knowing love drive us. A different kind of fear. A better one. "

And what Jesse and I decided that night is that no matter the outcome.  No matter the potential devastating, disappointing heartbreak that may lie ahead, we had to try.  To take the biggest leap we've ever taken.  Because none of this was about us.  I'd prayed for two years to find a baby on my doorstep.  For one to suddenly fall from the sky.  And now that it seems as if one has, we have no choice but to embrace this mentality-- " In the end, our call is to fully love these children while we have them and accept the costs we may incur as worth it for the gain they may receive. This is nothing more than what Jesus has done for us. He joyfully laid down the infinite value of His own life so that we might know the immeasurable worth of being fully and unconditionally loved in Him. Foster care is a beautiful expression of the Gospel. It demands a selfless, costly and potentially painful love for the sake of a child gaining much as you willingly give all. As we labor to love with the love we ourselves have received from Jesus, we do so in a cloud of uncertainties and unknowns, but with the confidence of one guarantee - it's always worth it. Always. "  http://jasonjohnsonblog.com/blog/foster-care-loving-a-child-that-might-leave#.VG5K3Ev1alc=

I don't even remember where I started with all of this.  It's been a very long, very strange day.  It started with discussions about names with our birth momma.    And now at the end of it, I'm going to make sure my ringer is on, and pray that if tonight's the night, God will give me what I need to do what He's asked me to do. 

The Name Game

First, let me start by saying thank you. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this journey so far. We have been blown away by the generosity, the prayer, and the continued support from all of you. We are still in shock at the speed in which donations started coming in, at the people who have appeared out of nowhere for us, and for all the support we are feeling day to day.

We have been in a unique state of being over the last week. We mentioned that our birth mom, *Sarah, had woken up with contractions the weekend before Thanksgiving. Everything is still going well, and we have been on call, basically, in case this baby decides to make an early arrival.

One of our most recent topics has been on names. We have gone through many many possibilities, and I have been playing a unique role in this endeavor, well, unique from my point of view. As a guy, (I'm careful not to say man in this instance), I have given myself the chore of shooting down names that are questionable, or would be easy to make fun of. Becky has been amused at some of my comments, and annoyed slightly at others. I don't want to give any away, in case we use some variant that is slightly harder to manipulate, but I do want to give a couple ideas of names that I have suggested that Becky has shot down.

1. Florida
2. Bacon (everyone would love her)
3. Quinn
4. Pound Cake (middle name. Like "my middle name is danger" only, for huskier people.)

Needless to say, I'm close to being kicked out of the naming party. 

I did have a moment yesterday morning which made me wonder about parenting in general. You know those times when you see a kid doing something in front of his parents, and they don't seem to notice, but you think to yourself "I'd never let my kid do that in public"? Well this happened in a grocery store parking lot yesterday. Now usually when I see stuff that I think is ridiculous, I take a picture of it and send it to my wife, or my friends at work. In this case, it would not have gone well if I had done that.

I had just come out of the grocery store, about 1030 or so on a wednesday morning. I had loaded up the car, and was sitting in the driver seat, trying to look something up, when an Escalade pulled in nearby. The parking lot was pretty empty, so there's a clear view in all directions of this Escalade, as a young mom gets out, gets her 4 ish year old out of the car, and moves to the other side of the car to, I assume, get another little one out of the car. As i look back up from my phone, the little boy has moved back to the driver side of the car, without mom. He makes his way up to the driver's side front wheel, drops his pants to his ankles, and proceeds to urinate on the 20" chrome rims. In the middle of a grocery store parking lot. In the middle of the morning. On the Escalade. Mom had no idea. And then, as if he forgot, he proceeded to walk around to the back of the car, without pulling up his pants.
My children will not be doing that.


If you have been following the blog, or you read our previous post, you have seen that we launched our Puzzle Piece fundraiser on Sunday. Basically, we have put together a piece of art for the nursery, and have had it printed as a puzzle. For a small donation of $10, you can purchase a puzzle piece, we'll write your name on it, and when the puzzle is completed, we're going to hang it in the nursery. You can, of course, purchase multiple pieces, and some day, when this baby is old enough to understand, we're going to show her the names of all the people that helped pray for her, and helped  bring her home. The big news: we have already sold 30 pieces! How awesome is that?

We said that we would post up every week with the names of those who have bought puzzle pieces, who have literally been a piece of bringing this baby home. Well, it hasn't been a week yet, so you'll have to check back to see the names and messages that have been sent in.

Becky got a message last night, from someone who was asking for the donation site information. I get that if you're using a mobile browser to read this, you won't be able to see the link, so here's the donation information.

If you want to send a donation through PayPal, you can, to jesse.brimhall@gmail.com
We also have a fundraising page through YouCaring.com

Thank you so much for everything you're doing to bring this little girl home, and thank you for your continued prayers.

We will make sure everyone knows what's going on as we get more information, and when we head to the hospital.

-Jesse

Thanksgiving

This week has been a crazy one. I don't even know where to start.

We realize the importance of being thankful during this holiday season, and realistically, we feel that we have a lot to be thankful for. We got to spend Thanksgiving with friends and family, who reminded us, even in our uncertainty, of how thankful we should be for the path we're on.  And we are. Regardless of the outcome, we have been given a much needed dose of hope in all of this. God has not forgotten us and He has a plan and a perfect timeline. 

We had cousins bring their very favorite baby items for us, several unexpected gifts of new and handmade baby items from friends, and from family, and some very heartwarming gifts from my mom. The roughest part of it all, was cutting the festivities short so I could be up early for Black Friday at work. 

After dealing with the masses, I came home friday to find that our carseat, the gift from my co-workers had arrived, which meant that I, being a guy, had to immediately open it, put it together, and figure it out.  Juno did not appreciate the stroller. 

Thank you all for your gifts, and your contributions to our cause. We found out this week that *Sarah has signed on with our adoption agency, that things are going well, and that things could happen anytime. We are pretty much 10 days from the due date, and we have no idea what the real time frame is going to be. Our bags are packed, our ringers are always on, and we are ready to go whenever we need to.

We have decided to follow in the footsteps of some friends from way back when, and put together an adoption puzzle. You are all so invested in this journey with us and we thought this might be a way to not only raise some much-needed funds but to generate some excitement and include you all in a more tangible way. You are as much a part of this child's story as we are. 

Becky had me draw up a piece of art that we might one day put in a nursery (that seems really weird to say still), and we are having it printed as a puzzle. For a donation of $10 we will put your name on a puzzle piece. You can buy as many pieces as you like. We will update the blog weekly with all the names that are filling up the backsides of our puzzle pieces.  Eventually, we hope to put the whole puzzle together in a glass-backed frame, and someday, we will explain to this little girl who all the people are that helped us bring her home. There are 252 pieces, and we'll be adding pieces for those who've already made donations. 

As we've said, donations can be made through the YouCaring.com website (widget on the right), through paypal (jesse.brimhall@gmail.com) or, as many of you have done, in person. Unfortunately at this time, we do not have the ability to collect tax-deductible funds through the agency, but if that changes we will be sure to let you know as many of you have asked about that. 

We really do want to thank you all for eveything you've done for us, for the prayer, for the financial support, and for the time and thoughts you've given us.

Please continue to pray that we would be a voice for God to Sarah. That things would continue to go smoothly for everyone. That we would be content to be a part of this journey, no matter the outcome...there is so much uncertainty, but one thing we are certain of is that We have a God who loves us, has a plan for our lives, and who is ABLE. 

Also, Becky is extra sneaky with the instagram, so if you haven't seen this on Facebook, here it is.

A whirlwind weekend

It's been a few days since we've posted anything, and I wanted to take minute to do so, and to say why. This week had been absolutely crazy. The mountain of paperwork I mentioned in my last post, there has been more. More phone calls. More craziness.

What has been the most overwhelming is the generosity of our friends and family. Becky posted last night that I had a surprise at work. One of the guys I work with raised $130 and put it on a gift card, signed by several co-workers, and a couple managers, and said "here, use this to buy the carseat." I've got to say, I'm blown away by the generosity of the people I work with. Becky was too.

We've received several donations, and honestly, they've been coming quickly enough that its hard to keep up. A friend walked up to us at church, 12 hours after our first blog post, and handed us a check for $100 dollars with the memo line "Operation:Adoption!" One of Becky's coworkers gave her a gift card to Target for $100. We got a $10, and a $20 donation through the YouCaring site listed here on the blog, both within hours of our first post. Becky's parents have donated, and today, someone snuck up and left an anonymous gift, a Christmas ornament and $1000 cashier's check that simply said "For Baby." We have been offered car seats, photography sessions, a crib, a pack-n-play, donated milk from a mama who lost her little one two months ago,  and honestly, I'm not even sure what else. Becky has been fielding the texts.

You people, your support, your prayer, your hope and excitement, are overwhelming. I simply don't know a better word for it. I want you to know, we cherish every single one of you. Even just the excitement you have brought to us, has been sustaining. Your gifts are building the story of this little girl, and our journey to bring her home.

We have said, and continue to say, that we don't know how long she'll be a part of our lives. Because of the situation, the accelerated time frame and all, she could be with us for a short time, or a lifetime. Either way, these gifts will go to her care, and, if she ends up being God's gift to another family, they will go helping us bring another child into our home.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, as is my style, I'm going to submit you to a bit of an anecdote from our first trip to buy baby things. This weekend, we took a trip to Target, to the baby section, and tried to make sense of what all of this stuff is. Now, there are about 300 different sizes of clothes, which was easy enough to navigate. Apparently, I can't seem to figure out what the difference between girl clothes and boy clothes are. Becky, of course, has a bit more of an eye for picking out the difference between a grey and white onesie with penguins and a grey and white onesie with penguins in which every 23rd penguin has a pink ribbon in its hair. (I didn't realize penguins had hair, let alone did I notice the bows)
We found baby a couple receiving blankets, some towels, we got some formula, and then realized that there is a whole aisle in Target, which is not a baby specialty store, of just different nipples for the bottles. Who knew? Actually, I'm sure many of you knew.

Lets not even get into the selection of pacifiers. Becky ended up just grabbing the pink ones, while I pondered whether to get the infant nuks, or the 0-3mo philips something or others. I particularly favor the ones with mustaches, although I've been told they are inappropriate for a girl baby.

We are diving in. You are making this possible. Thank you so much.

If any of you are holding off, I thought I'd mention, if you don't want to mess with YouCaring, we can also do paypal. Jesse.Brimhall@gmail.com.

Here's a picture of a couple outfits I picked out. Can you find the penguins with bows?

Flash Forward

I just walked in the door from my trip to the Agency, dropping off a mountain of paperwork to initiate our Home Study. So, I thought I'd take a minute and let everyone know what's progressed since this weekend, and answer some questions that we've been asked. 

First of all, forgive my spelling and grammar in this post; I'm partially cross-eyed after my marathon of paperwork, delving into everything from my health background to my dogs' licensing. But, that aside, we are excited, because progress is being made, and everything seems much more real as of today. 

We have heard from Sarah this week, and despite a small car accident, things are going well for her. She has an appointment with a representative from the agency next week who will present her with all her options. We want this, because they will give Sarah all her options, and all the support she could need moving forward, even after birth.  So, good news!

We are excited and moved by all the support we have received in just the past few days. We have mentioned the donation site we are using, and have a received donations there, as well as in person. We have been offered clothing, baby stuff, photo shoots, and all kinds of stuff and we are greatful for everything that you have offered and given. 

The next part of this post is a subject that could be taken a couple different ways, so I want to make an effort to establish how I hope it will be taken. Quite a few people have been a bit surprised by the financial side of this, and we were a bit too. We want to give some details, as an effort to be clear, and beyond reproach, and to establish that we are not simply throwing numbers around that we have made up. A friend has asked where monetary donations are going, and how much we are raising, so here's a breakdown as far as that goes. 

Today we submitted our Home Study fee of $1250 which covers the the agency's extensive background check which is needed for us to be certified by the state Arizona. 

We have an upcoming education fee, of $400, which covers 7 weeks of classes for us in order to be certified. These classes include a lot of education in parenting adopted children, state laws, etc. 

There is a retainer of $5000 which covers counseling and legal counsel for Sarah. 

 We are also looking at having to retain a lawyer outside of the agency to be able to file for temporary custody, as well as for the final placement in about 9 months time. The legal fees are something that we'd like to cover, but we'll say that they add considerably to the need in the long term. 

Also, as we've learned, we hold a portion of responsibility for the medical costs associated with the birth. By a portion, I mean we have responsibility for the portion not covered by insurance. 

Add into all of this the travel costs and such, since Sarah is not in the Phoenix area, and I hope you are beginning to see why the costs are high. High, but justified. 

Not counting the travel expenses, legal fees, and some of the thing we have already taken care of, we are in the ballpark of $10-13 thousand. 

Something else that we'd like to point out, is that in this type of adoption, the cost is actually about $15000 less than a regular adoption. In a regular adoption, there would be an additional $3000 to be listed for matching services with a birth mom, as well as a final placement fee of $20,000 which would cover the agency's support of a birth mom for a much longer portion of the pregnancy. Suffice it to say,  there is a large difference when you meet the birth mom outside the agency. 

We feel confident that God will provide, and we thank those of you who have been a part of that. Once again, our goal in breaking down the fees is just to establish a transparency in this journey, so that you know that your money is not going nowhere, but to very specific costs and areas, one of the most important, we feel, is the care of the birth mom, Sarah. 

We want to see Sarah, and her child cared for, and supported. And we want to see God glorified in the outcome of this situation. 

The big reiteration due at the end of this blog is that this cost, realistically, is more than worth it. We'd give anything we could to make sure mama and baby are taken care of. Honestly, they're both very precious to us. 

- Jesse